What Should I Tell My Kids?

One of the most common questions parents ask is "What should my kids know about sexuality, and at what ages should they know it?" Parents are often concerned that telling their children too much too soon will hurt them in some way, or will encourage their kids to become sexually active. Information and education do not encourage young people to be sexually active. In fact, kids make better decisions about sex when they have all the information they need and when there are no taboos on what they can talk about at home. And they're better at protecting themselves against pregnancy and disease once they do decide to have sex.

There is information, however, that is more appropriate for kids at particular ages. For example, five-year-old children should know the correct names for their body parts, including reproductive organs. They do not need to know all the intricacies of how male and female bodies grow and differ. But would it harm your kids if you were to provide some information about the differences between male and female bodies? Absolutely not.

Keep in mind that it is not necessary to have a major conversation with your children each time they ask a question about sex. Listen to them carefully. They may just want the answer to one question for the time being—and that's O.K. Be sure that you are answering the question, rather than talking in general terms. You can always ask for clarification if you're not sure what your children are asking. Be sure they know they can always ask follow-up questions.

Kids learn an enormous amount about relationships, bodies, affection, and communication from their first year of life. It is important to help them feel good about their sexuality from the very beginning. This will make it easier for them to ask questions about sex throughout their lives. As they grow, we can give them useful information to help them make responsible, healthy decisions about their sexuality. For a chart of age-appropriate sexuality topics, see "How to Talk With Your Child About Sexuality"

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Facts for Families © is developed and distributed by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Ten Helpful Hints For Parents

1. BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL. Children learn most from example. Telling children to "Do as I say, not as I do," fails to do the trick. Model the lessons you want your kids to learn in your own behavior, expectations, and messages.

2. ENCOURAGE SELF-CONFIDENCE. Self-confidence helps children overcome peer pressure—and praise is the best way to teach self-confidence. Adults should praise honesty, effort, fair play, kindness, etc... Young people need to know they are capable.

3. REMIND YOUR CHILDREN THAT THEY ARE LOVED. Find opportunities to "catch" your kids doing something good. Letting them know you are proud of them can help build their self-esteem. Young people need to know they are lovable.

4. LISTEN. Before answering a question, listen to what's being asked. A question about sex doesn't necessarily mean your daughter or son is—or is thinking about—having sex. So don't jump to conclusions!

5. BE PATIENT. Sometimes kids will say or do things that will upset or embarrass you. Instead of criticizing them, use these situations as positive opportunities for learning. Be gentle—it won't help them learn if you nag, lecture, or shout.

6. FOSTER POSITIVE FEELINGS ABOUT SEXUALITY. Young people who have positive feelings about sexuality and their bodies are more likely to be able to protect themselves against STIs, unintended pregnancy, and sexual abuse—and to discuss these issues with their parents or other trusted adults.

7. HELP THEM PRACTICE SOUND DECISION-MAKING SKILLS. Encourage your children to make choices and decisions from their earliest years. Practicing with small decisions—like what to eat and what to wear—prepares kids for the bigger ones.

8. BE THERE FOR THEM. Adults must always be there for their children. Your kids have to be able to trust that you will be patient and reasonable, regardless of the type of trouble or concern they bring to you.

9. ASSURE THEM THAT THEY ARE NORMAL. What kids want most is to know that they're "normal." You can help them understand that it is "normal" for everyone to be different.

10. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!